Saturday, 18 December 2010

How fair is Mother Nature? Or am I controlling her?

Whilst I am now a 39 year old mother, still to be legally confirmed through the great British Justice System.  I have come to the realization that I will never be a “natural” mother.  A few months ago I had was having a conversation with a colleague whom I had just got to know, but we just clicked immediately and were sharing deep and private thoughts with each other, regarding how we had both tried to become Natural Mothers and the setbacks we were trying to overcome.

Ever since I was a little girl I was always told how I would make a wonderful mother one day – a caring, loving little girl who loved looking after every one of her dollies methodically.  I went into my teenager years with other people’s children always around me.  And I grew up with the thought that yes I will be a mummy.  However unbeknown to me, the yang of my yin had other thoughts – and the yang did not want this body to perform the act of motherhood through the physical sense, it just would not get pregnant.

I have recently started a course on the Introduction to Counselling and this has provoked me to start to ask deep questions of myself…. 

I love my mother with all my heart and soul, and I have always loved hearing the story of how I and my brother was born, but I now realise that I hold a great subconscious guilt into the possibility that I have also added to the great pain my mother’s body has had to endure.  My mother has never really been well since having me and 5 years ago this Christmas will be the anniversary of her kidney transplant I believe this to be the crescendo of having had me.

You see anything medical and my body becomes a nervous breakdown and goes into immediate shutdown.  At the tender age of 12 when my BCG was due – I did not turn up for my appointment then at the age of 14 when the school medical team finally tracked me down, I brought horror to the girls [2 years my junior] in the queue waiting for theirs.  The reason maybe due to my maiden name began with the letter A, they were undoubtedly unaware that I had had 5 people holding my various flaying limbs and head, but they definitely heard my scream as the nurse completed her task.

Then by the age of 15 I had had 13 teeth extracted by the dentist due to a small mouth and the fact that I had no adult incisors! Again, not a pretty sight for the Dental Nurse, Doctor and my lovely Daddy who were all there comforting me. 

My lovely new dentist denies me medical treatment unless I have taken a diazepam to put me in a place of relaxation and happiness.   Or when I go to book an appointment at the opticians I have to start by saying “Yes I am the women who instigated the need for you to buy a new carpet – due to me missing the bin when I was feeling very queasy”..

So am I subconsciously controlling Mother Nature? I know that Childbirth is the most precious act of life one can give, but I am now learning that there are other ways to give love, life and opportunities to those already here, and yes motherhood is still to be my destiny.

You may recognise this lovely blogger; not only blogging her heart out on the shiny new Thoughts from a Village blog, she is also one of the fabulous seven mummies that contribute to 7 Yummy Mummies. Go have a peek at both.

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